“So the Israelites divided the land, just as the Lord had commanded Moses” Joshua 14:5. I should seriously be ashamed of the thoughts that went through my head when I read that verse. I do not know how familiar you are with the story of the Israelites’ exodus from Egypt: crossing the Red Sea, being punished after taking charge of a mission God had started, spending forty years in the desert, and repeatedly going against God’s authority and Moses. Time and again, Joshua had to plead on their behalf so that God’s anger would not burn against them. YEP. After all of that, they finally did something just as God commanded them. I may seem cruel for picking on them, but it is true. When you read Exodus and Deuteronomy, you see constant irritation on God’s side, tears on the leaders’ side, and spoiled children in between. OK, fine—going through the desert was no joke, especially if you had to eat manna every single day. Still, my thought was this: “These people obeyed wholeheartedly when it benefited them.”

That brings me back to the present. Let’s be honest: isn’t that the same thing that happens to us almost every time? When God promises us something, we make sure we are very obedient so that He will give us what He has promised. But when days, weeks, and years go by and the promise still has not been fulfilled, we begin to lose faith, just like the Israelites. Then we start taking matters into our own hands while questioning God.

I won’t pick on anyone but myself. When I entered my first relationship, a few months went by, and I began to understand that something was not quite right. I felt as if I was cheating in some way. I was on my way to declaring myself a full Christian, yet I was in a relationship. Not that it was a bad relationship—it was fine. I just did not see God’s hand in it. I did not think I was doing myself, the man, or most importantly God, any justice if He was not in that relationship. So I ended it. The man was too perfect for me, and I felt inadequate to reciprocate the affection he gave me because I knew he was not meant for me. If you are doing something half-heartedly, doesn’t that mean you are cheating yourself, God, and whatever you are doing? I explained my dilemma to him, and I know I broke his heart. But I would rather break a heart honestly than lie to it and break it in a way that it may never rebuild itself again. I am not being cold-hearted; I am simply giving you the truth of the matter.

After reading Psalm 34:7, which says to delight oneself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart, I made a promise to God that I would not go out with any other man unless that man accomplished three things for me. I told Him those three things would be the sign that the man had been chosen by God for me to marry. God knows how much I truly wanted to live by His Word and follow His ways. I did not want to go out with numerous guys in search of the kind of man I wanted. I wanted God to be my first and last love. I even went so far as to tell Him that if I was called to a life of celibacy, I would follow it. However, I later found that I was not called to such a life.

Four years went by, and still no man came along who could accomplish those three things. I began to lose faith, just like the Israelites. I began to take charge of my mind and thoughts. “Maybe, if any guy showed interest in me, we could kick it off, and God would tell me whether he was the one or not.” I did not like the idea either. However, I had all these emotions built up and wanted to share them with someone. We often hate to be real and feel awkward talking about our feelings as Christians. Well, I won’t hide it. When this tall man came along that day, I thought to myself, “Why bother? He is just another one of those men who go around breaking hearts.” Although I said I wished he were mine, I waited for God. As much as I wanted to take charge, I still had enough sense and dignity to wait for Him. God heard the prayer I had made at eighteen, and He heard my prayer again when I revised it in 2012. Even now, He continues to hear my prayers every day. I am not saying we will be hearing wedding bells anytime soon, but the three things were fulfilled, and I continue to wait in anticipation for God’s guidance.

Through it all, God taught me that my obedience should not be rooted in what I hope to receive from Him, but in who He is. He is faithful, loving, patient, and present. Even when my desires are delayed and my heart grows restless, He remains worthy of my trust. The love I have for Him is not sustained by answered prayers alone, but by the truth that He first loved me. While I was still a sinner, He demonstrated His love by sending His Son to die for me (Rom. 5:8). Because of that love, I choose to serve Him, wait on Him, and trust His timing. So I leave you with this question: do you obey and serve God because you love Him, or only because of the reward He has promised?

The rains have come and gone. Time is swiftly moving on. Autumn is over, and the beautiful green leaves, I met two and half months ago, have slowly turned yellow, and now are brown, lying on the green grass that’s soon to be covered in white.

Just yesterday that I came off the plane, bundled up in three-layer clothing. Then two-layer clothing became the norm for a while and I finally got a chance to wear one piece of clothing, though the wind made it hard to enjoy the beautiful sun. Those few days were short lived, for the cycle began again. This time heading towards, the refrigerator (snow). Days have become shorter, for the lights are turned on by 4:30 p.m. and one just feel like they have intruded on someone’s dream.

How I wait in anticipation for it. The excitement mounting to an extend that I was disappointed when it rained today and the stars and moon, came out for the first time since I have been here in the last two and half months. I was thrilled at seeing the moon and stars, but disappointed that it wasn’t the snow. Why should my anxiety grow, when everyone else dreads it?

Before I know it, spring will be upon us and summer will mark the end of my studies.

Wow, let me stop fast forwarding time. But I only have 24 more days till my first semester is over. Time flies by without us noticing. James 4:13-17 says ” Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.”  Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.  Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.”  As it is, you boast in your arrogant schemes. All such boasting is evil. 17 If anyone, then, knows the good they ought to do and doesn’t do it, it is sin for them.”

Make whatever plans you want, but know that time flies .

I will never stop being amazed at how God works. He will let you vent all you want. He will let you cry all the tears you can muster up and will even hold you while you do so. He will not stop you from crying, which is contrary to why you went to him. NOPE!!!!!!! He will let you cry all those tears, till you have none to spare. When you are done, he will then begin.

Well, he won’t scold you or tell you it’s ok. On the contrary, he will direct your heart to the root causes of your anguish. Why do I think my tears were justified?

It’s always easy to feel justified in anger and frustration. It’s always easy to blame someone for the things that didn’t go our way. Or it’s easy to look at the other’s mistakes and take up the victim’s role. HMMMM!!!!!! Am I actually staying on track?

I actually wrote this post last week and was debating whether or not to post it.

My story is really long but short. I had been worried about marks left by pimples on my face. I had been worried about what people thought of me. I tried to assume what was going through their minds every time they stared at me. You know those uncomfortable stares that people give you and you wonder if you have food on your lips, or things between your teeth? YES, That kind of stare. It just makes you want to crawl into a hole and never see the daylight again.

I cried every time someone stared at me with a questioning look. When I saw my reflection in the mirror, I didn’t see me, but someone else.

Out of nowhere, I began to have resentment, anger and frustration coming out of me. Every night, I cried and without realizing it, I directed my anger and frustration at my beloved Jesus, who died for my tears.

Well tonight (7days ago), this song came to my mind and I could not stop singing it. The words go like this: you are beautiful beyond description, too marvellous for words; too wonderful for comprehension, like nothing ever seen or heard. Who can grasp your infinite wisdom? Who can fathom the depth of your love? You are beautiful beyond description, majesty enthrone above. And I stand; I stand, in awe of you.

As I reflected on the words of the song, I then asked myself, why I have been crying those tears. Why have I been bothered by what people thought? I have to confess that it has been something I wrestled with for years. Whom have I been crying those tears for? The man that loves me cares little about my face, so why should I care what people see?

How could I get mad at the man who drew people to him, although Isaiah said, he had no beauty or majesty? Yet because of the beauty in his heart, we are his disciples. So why should I care how people perceive me? He looks not at the outward appearance, but my heart and how I see myself. So why did I bother so much and build up so much pain? Why do you bother so much?

After venting out to the man I have hurt the most, he gently led me to reflect on who I was. That’s when I realized I had been crying ‘The Wrong Tears’.

It’s easy to fall in love.

How wouldn’t you, when all you can think about is Him.

When you close your eyes his face appears

When you walk down the streets your hands are intertwined.

When the wind blows your hair, he tucks it behind your ears,

How will you not fall in love with Him?

He gently bandages the wound on your forehead

The cut on your knee he nurses into a beautiful scar.

The inexplicable smile on your face speaks of secrets unknown.

The trees shade your steps together.

How will you not fall in love with Him?

 Then all that remains is the memories.

You can’t help but wonder where you went wrong.

His presence begins to fade with each passing day.

 His gentle arms are but a memory

His comforting voice speaks from memory

His words of wisdom seem but a routine.

When did this love become A Broken Heart???

Day and night the tears fall without ceasing

The memories hurt more than the actual pain

Wasn’t it meant to be forever?

Had I just misread the gestures for something more?

Is this what A Broken Heart feels like?

If this is how a relationship feels like,

I shouldn’t hold on too tight to love.

If this is how it ends, I should not even let it get close

Is this the relationship we carry with God?

Is this the pain he carries for us, when we break his heart?

Love is a word we use, to express our feelings, emotions and affections to someone we are fond of.

According to the online definitions, love as a noun is “a strong feeling of affection,” “a great interest and pleasure in something.” As a verb, it is defined as “to feel deep affection for someone” (sexually). We will discuss this question based off the second definition.

How do you know that you “love” someone? How can you proof you are in love? Can you proof that those feelings exist? How do you decide that this is love, when you can’t see or touch it? If you can believe in love which you can’t see, and you are ready to walk down that aile  or sign papers in court, on the conviction that you are in love; why then is it so hard for people to believe in God? Why is the thought of him “abstract” to you?

Isn’t the term “love” just an abstract word that has been placed to give one an idea of what you feel inside?

 Jesus sure was right when he said over 2000 years ago in John 14:17 that “The Spirit of Truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you.”

Like Solomon said, there’s nothing new under the sun. How much evidence do you need to see before you acknowledge that Jesus had predicted that this was going to be your unrest? You acknowledge based on tangible evidence to proof that something exists. How do you know that this is the one when you cannot proof that your feelings exist?

If you were with Jesus back then, would your story of abstractness change? Do you have to see him in order to believe that he exists? Take a moment and think about this: “Sometimes I wonder… will God ever forgive us for what we’ve done to each other? Then I look around and I realize… God left this place a long time ago.” Danny Archer.

Is this the reason why, you think God is abstract, floating in my mind? Then how do you explain such a phrase “I believe…” when you use in determining your view on an argument? Isn’t that a sign of faith?

Does Jesus have to really appear before you, to proof that his hypothesis was correct? He predicted that the world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. The answer is NO. The world has proved his hypothesis correct, when it rejects him and writes him off as fiction, abstractness and as myth.

The good news is, that only those who have faith that Jesus lives will see him in their everyday life. He gives them a reason to continue living. How do you know you are in love, when you cannot see or touch it, and claim that you cannot believe in a God whom you can’t see or touch? Wouldn’t it mean love does not exist, since you can’t see or touch it?

It was about 1:58 a.m when I heard my alarm ringing. I told myself, I am waking up in a moment. I then ask myself if, it is already 3 a.m, because I had just gone to the bathroom at 1:30 a.m. In my mind, I tell myself that I need to wake up, but again, I say, I will do so in a moment. I am in the West, is my thought. Again, I battle with myself and say, just because I am in the West, do not mean I have to live in the societies (I have no idea, what I was saying there). As if on cue and invitation, my eyes begin to slowly close, as I struggle to open them. I was being pushed down. I tried to get up, but someone was pushing my entire body down. I tried to call out Jesus’ name, but may throat was pressed down as well and my mouth sealed.

However, I told myself that I was not going to allow some unknown person to decide what is best for me. So I called out Jesus’ name asking him to set me free using my mind. Then the load on my body became a little lighter. I had my eyes wide open, but my mind was just shutting back down. It old whoever it was, that I was going to win. ‘Do you know who you are dealing with?’ I called out Jesus’ name and as I struggled to wake up out of my “supposedly” sleep, a figure began to form.

The shape of a young woman began to appear, and she had my arm bound to the bed so I could not get up. I looked at her, and saw fear in her face. It looked like she was unsure, how strong she could hold me down, or if I was able to push her away. At that point, I was getting really mad. I told her as the power she held over me began to unravel, that she better run away, because when I get out of the bed, she will be sorry that she had dared to do what she did. As she rolled off my bed, my eyes flew open and I jumped out of my bed looking for her. It dawned on me that it was only 2:00a.m and I had been tormented in a dream within a dream. It has been about SIX years since I was last visited.

So when I woke up in the real world, I could still feel her presence in my room. So I prayed a prayer of delivery and imprisonment. I imprisoned her in Jesus’ name; so that she would not find anyone else to go after. Her master who sent her would just have to find a replacement, although, they will be taken down in Jesus’ name. It’s just a matter of time before Jesus binds him and put him away for 1000yrs.

Paul wrote correctly when he said, that we do not fight against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms (Ephesians 6:12).

One more thing, Jesus was not kidding when he said “I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father. And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the son may bring glory to the Father. You ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it” (14:12-14). The same is echoed in (16:23-24) “In that day you will no longer ask me anything. I tell you the truth, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete.”

Let me just highlight that God gives to us what he believes will serve us best. What you ask may not necessarily be what you get, but a substitute can be better, because God does not give blindly to us.

Yes that was my visitor whom I had not invited. When Paul talks about Spiritual realms, he means spiritual realms. The forces we fight against are neither blood nor flesh. You can take this story as truth or write it off as nonsense, but I can tell you that these wars are real.

Why do you do what you do not want to do and what you do what you do, you don’t do it? When you put down your guard, Satan gets the chance and occupies every once space, pushing the counsellor aside.

Well, I told her that she picked the wrong woman, girl and daughter to mess with. I am the daughter of a king. I am a girl who went through so much just to be set free after two years of battling with the evil one. Two years I sweated through my pillows and sheets, turning them yellow and brown. I soaked my pillows with tears, because I was held up in inceptions with the same enemies after me. When the battle was over and my father claimed victory, I cried with tears of joy. 6 years later, a minor woman thinks she can mess with a grown woman?????

She better rethinks the next time, she picks that job. I AM ANGRY. AAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!. How dare they? To hold me bondage, then envy my freedom and joy in Jesus and think they can reclaim me again? How shallow can their minds be??? I have found my refuge, my home, my Father and no amount of evil forces can conquer the will power that I have received from my saviour. He lives in me. They better not even think of touching a hair over my family, friends and acquaintances. IT WILL NOT END WELL ON THEIR PART. I will go after them with a whole army of my Father’s angels and my prayer warriors. My generation will bring change and the generations to come shall not be reckoned with in Jesus’ name. AMEN.